ASK A JEW

Even more than yarmulkes, shpilkes and shmaltz, Jewish people love questions.

Please ask any that you have related to The Unorthodox Haggadah or any other subject, except shpilkes.

Answered Questions

Q: Where did the word Jew originate?

A: Thousands of years ago, prior to the invention of self-tanning and capicola (gobba-gool) New Jersey was home to a group of friends named Abraham, Isaac,  Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel. They spent most of their time roaming New Jersey and hanging out at the local coffee shop. Their clique was widely known, mostly because Rachel had beautiful hair. They would refer to each other informally as "Jew". For example, Rachel might say to Abraham "Hey Jew just get your camel washed?" This phraseology stuck, it's not only the shorthand for a person of Jewish faith, but you can still hear it when people in New Jersey yell at each other in traffic as in "Jew just get your driver's license?"

Q: I don't have any Jewish people in my city or town, what can I do?

A: Finding Jews can be hard, we've had thousands of years of experience hiding from people. But, if you'd like to get to know a Jew there are a few ways to do it. You could move. If you're living in a town with no Jews chances are there aren't a huge amount of reasons to be there anyway, since Jews tend to migrate to the cold, fun places after college and warm, boring places when they're old. If you can't leave, visit a white collar prison. Ask for any Bernies, Shmuels or Adams.

Q: Is it true that there is a secret Jewish handshake?

A: Yes and no. We don't have a secret handshake per se, but in a locker room our penises all look the same. 

Q: Is it offensive to call someone a Jew?

Q: Do Jews like to party?

A: Like most things in life, it's all about context. So, "Beautiful or Wizened Jew" No, not offensive. "A Hell of a Jew." Maybe. "A Sneaky or That Jew" Yes, probably offensive unless you are presenting an award for a Jews-Only scavenger hunt.

A: Have you ever seen a yarmulke? That is a special jewish party hat. Whenever you see a Jew with one on they are either on their way to or from a major major party. It could be a rave or just a birthday party, but you can rest assured, there was dancing, there were ladies and there was probably the Chicken Dance.